8 Rules of Healthy Disagreements
1. Partners don’t run from Issues.
When uncomfortable topics remain unaddressed, they can turn any benign event into a big drama that could have been avoided in the first place.
2. They start slow and take turns talking.
Starting a difficult conversation softly and respectfully dramatically increases the chances of a good outcome. If you start with an accusation or yelling or sighing then you are basically saying I want this to escalate and not resolve.
3. They don’t name call.
Name calling causes hurt feelings and the need to defend. By swearing or calling names ask yourself are you trying to make yourself feel better cause you are mad or are you trying to solve the problem?
4. They know how to cool down.
They value taking a time out, whether that means counting to 10 and taking slow, deep breaths or simply telling their spouse, “Hey, can we revisit this in the morning?”
If you let emotions get the better of you it is no longer an argument/discussion it is a fight. There is a difference. We can argue and listen and disagree when we are out of control it is now a fight.
The key is to know what gets you out of control before it happens. What are you buttons? Do you know your partners buttons. Do you know the cool down buttons too.
5. They set ground rules for arguments
Rules are key. What can and cannot be done during an argument. No one can angrily touch the other. No one can walk away without first saying that’s what you are doing. Arguments should not happen in the bedroom. There should be an end, not silence.
6. They acknowledge each other’s feelings and points of view.
There are things you are never going to see the same and the key is not to try to see all things the same. The key is to see things from the others perspective.
7. They give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Partners who are able to have healthy and productive arguments don’t jump to conclusions in the middle of fights.
Healthy relationships mean that people assume their partner is doing the best they can at the moment,”
8. They let things go once they are discussed.
You will be together a long time and there will be issues that have the same theme that keep coming up but you can’t bring last time into an argument. You can say I keep seeing this issue come up and we obviously are not addressing it so let’s take a look at the pattern.
After reading, take a look at your behavior.
You should be saying what do I do to make are arguments go off track?
How do I fix that behavior?
What things do we already do that make our arguments ok?
What things do we really need to work on as a couple?
Arguments/disagreements should make you grow not retreat.